Thoughts

Tuesday and Wednesday didn't have much to offer in the way of interesting events.

Tuesday I printed over 1000 business cards before lunch and found wearing tennis shoes makes a large difference with how quickly one can get 1000 done with (I did not mention this to Brady as he has commented before how he thinks it's odd I wear flip flops all the time). Some packaging was done, and some "limited edition" stationary printed (actually Brady trying to find a use for some old ledger pages).

Tuesday night there was a show, but between biking, and little sleep the previous night, it wasn't anything that grabbed my attention enough to stop me from falling asleep.

Wednesday had more printing, and some screw ups to go with. I cut down thousands of inserts and prepped the presses for tomorrow. Brady and I discussed an art print idea, and I have to make some sketches, but he's up for me adding to my portfolio (the ABC print has been a big hit).

I've got to get working on my zine. I've decided it is going to be a collection of American mythology. My first one is going to be on Pecos Bill, then Paul Bunyon. I want to do issues on John Henry, Casey Jones, Hiawatha, and Johnny Appleseed as well (probably in the order). Time is passing way too quickly and that is where I am going to....

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So, here I am in Kansas City. More than once, I've looked around me said; "Where the fuck am I, and how the fuck did I get here?". At times, I don't know what to make of it.

I'm sitting here and trying to think of how I can possibly write the sentiments that are rolling around in my head. Forgive me if my point doesn't come across exactly, but then I am trying to hash out a point where I am jumping forword, and I can't say I entirely make sense, even to myself.

Is it possible for there to be an alternate reality, in your reality? It feels like I've been dropped into a place that I've actually been for years, and just now time has caught up with me. The people I've met, the places I've been - I feel an easy familiarity that would speak of age, the only lacking quality being memories. I've never made friends this fast, or become part of a community so quickly. It isn't my home, but it is my refuge.

Thinking of Portland, I know time goes on, but I can't grasp it. I know I have a life that exists there, but it isn't tangible.

Coming here, I've realised how much of myself I've sacrificed in the last year. What I am, and who I love has been set aside in a futile attempt to build something in a place that doesn't have a foundation to start from. Last year I put a lot of work in, had it credited to others, and was dismissed due to a lack of acceptable communication, that was never addressed due to a lack of acceptable communication. Every step that I've taken seems like a battle hard won. I'm tired of it. I need to regroup.

In comes Kansas City, a place where I know no one and now know everyone. Doors are opening without me asking - or begging. I have that feeling at the tips of my fingers - the one where you know your art is progressing and it's all you can do to make more. fuck I don't want to jinx it, but I think my creative blockage is coming undone - I just realized this. I've been struggling with concepts since last September...

I'm being asked to make art outside of art school and there is even the possibilty of my making (alittle) real money at it. I have a great deal of creative freedom, and what more could I possibility demand of my situation? I'm going forword - fast. I feel powerful and as though (just maybe) finally I am an artistic contender.

And all of this comes with the added benefit that I've done it as myself. I dance when I want to dance, swear when I want to swear, drink when I feel like it, eat properly, socialize when, with who, and how I please. My speech has improved with the absence of art school and once again I sound as though I've read a book.

I'm carrying on and still don't feel like I've quite captured where I am coming from or even more importantly, where I am going, but the main point of this rant is that I am staying. Not forever, but for the next semester. Kansas City has more in store for me and I need to explore it.

I don't mean this to be insulting to anyone back in Portland. There are a handful of excellent friends there who I love dearly and miss, (I will keep writing!!!) but you must understand, I am recharging. I'll be home in August for a bit to tie up some ends, so you will see me soon.